So here's a (wide) selection of my tweeting from the past year. If you don't speak Twitter and therefore don't know what hashtags or trending topics are, some of it may confuse you, but I think you'll muddle through okay. And if you feel, after reading all this, you (for some reason) want to read even MORE stuff I write, feel free to use the link at the right to click your way to my Twitter page and follow me.
Let the nostalgic tweetfest begin. And in case I don't get to say it before the big ball drops, Happy New Year everybody, and thanks for a fantastic and fun year.
Fact of the day : If you say the words 'beer can' in a British accent, it sounds like you're saying 'bacon' in a Jamaican accent.
Is it Kardashians or Cardassians? Which are the Star Trek aliens and which are the whores again?
"And bay-bay...talk dirty to AAAAGGHHHH!!" That was my impression of Bret Michaels' brain hemorrhage.
I can't decide whether to watch "Nine", "9", or "The Nines" tonight. Solution: Watching Blake Edwards' "10".
If my toilet was the stone and my plunger was Excalibur, tonight I would have become king.
If you ever meet Eddie Vedder? Don't call him "daughter". He just doesn't like that.
I just had Lasagna and German Chocolate cake. If I'd have had sushi, too, I'd have had the whole Axis.
10 years ago today the final Peanuts strip was published. Knowing the internet, I'm sure the characters live on in erotic fan fiction.
Winter Olympic sport I want to see introduced: Urinary Penmanship. Obviously the men would have an advantage in this event...
Had to get a pulmonary function test done at UCD Med Center today. So I spent the afternoon doing what all comics avoid: sucking and blowing
The problem I have with these rest stops on I-5 is that there's no charge for the gay sex. It's a free exchange. That smacks of socialism.
I have string cheese, microwave rice and frozen dinners. I live like my mom went out of town and left me food I couldn't screw up.
Michael Jackson totally molested children! Am I right? (This is what comedian writer's block looks like).
Where have all the flowers gone? Seriously...where the $#@% are they? What are they planning? I've seen "The Happening", dammit!
For the record? I'm an Ultimate Lover, not an Ultimate Fighter.
I'm smoking a cigar that my grandmother bought me in Mexico. I'm hoping if I'm really good she'll bring back some black tar heroin next time.
Have you ever wanted to slap a song in the mouth and revel in its look of shock and betrayal?
King Kong...ain't got NUTHIN on me! So since you lack any clear evidence, I think I'm done answering your questions, Detective Kong.
Dear internet: if you pluralize one more word by use of an apostrophe, I swear they'll find your body in the #$%$ desert. Thank you.
This is so weird. I just saw a movie where Michael Cera wears a hoodie.
I wish one of my junior high friends was here to see what I was watching and say, "Pssh! More like 'Nick & Nora's Infinite GAYlist'!"
Whenever I see the clock hit 12:34, I always feel like yelling out "1, 2, 3, *4*!" and jamming out a power chord.
Netflix says if I like "The Road", then I'll also like "Cider House Rules". Were there cannibals in "Cider House Rules"?
This one time? At MDA camp?
I'm watching a DVD on how to inject myself with this medication. It's like a Video Professor course for junkies.
I like it when basketball commentators talk about "dribble penetration". Because I'm twelve.
Awesome iPod moment: music on shuffle, My Chemical Romance's "I'm Not Okay" followed directly by Styx's "I'm Okay". I heart life.
Pet peeve: drinking games created by people who understand neither drinking games nor drinking.
Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah...blah blah blah blah blah blah blah...blah blah blah blah blah blah ST. EL-MOS FI-EE-YUH...
Crowd chants at prison b-ball games: "Here we go, car thieves, here we go (clap clap)!" "Here we go, rapists, here we go (clap clap)!"
”All humanity is passion; without passion, religion, history, novels, art would be ineffectual.” Honoré de Balzac. (snicker...."Balzac"...)
In socialist countries, is it called an "ourPhone"?
Why comedy is better than my old job: in comedy, my job is to say all the things that would have gotten me sent to HR in my old job.
"If it feels nice, don't think twice" - James Taylor (helping the spread of venereal disease for over 40 years)
Do vuvulezas make you horny, baby? Do they?
There are key similarities between Conan's prayer to Crom in "Conan" and Cerrano's prayer to Jobu in "Major League".
Wow! There's a new Goo Goo Dolls song out?! I could SO not give a $#@%!
Facebook just recommended that if I like "Twin Peaks", I might also like "Twin Peaks". (?). That's a statement worthy of Lynch.
Did anyone hear that? It sounded like the wind whispered "Mary". That was weird.
I'm shaving. That announcement was for all the Twitter/Facebook haters out there who ask "Why would I care to know if someone's shaving?!"
I hope you have a big trunk, 'cause I'm puttin' my wheelchair in it.
Yo momma so wonderful, you should buy her roses and a gift card for a day spa. #yomommajokefail
Yo momma in such good shape, she don't look a day over thirty-five. #yomommajokefail
In the kingdom of the blind, the one-eyed man is king. In the United Kingdom, the one-armed man drums for Def Leppard.
I've decided the Encore Action Channel is the male equivalent of the Lifetime Movie Network.
I've decided the new censor replacement for "sh*t" will be "A SyFy Original Movie". E.G.: "Holy [A Syfy Original Movie], I won!"
I just saw Michael Madsen punch James Woods in a Dolly Parton movie. You're KILLING me, Encore Networks...
"American Me" is the "Gone with the Wind" of prison rape films.
Do people in Kentucky snicker every time they see their state's abbreviation? They must just be in a good mood all day long.
Dwight Schrute is my ambassador of kwan.
I'm beginning to suspect that all of Madonna's songs are about intercourse.
I need to add Tyler Perry's "I Wonder When Satan's Coming to Collect that Soul From Me?" to my Netflix queue.
Ran into the same possum outside overnight. If he returns again tomorrow night, I will name him Two Socks.
Just playing the double rainbow video and had to turn down the volume, because it sounds like I'm watching porn.
I don't think "Radio" was acting. Based on his career choices, I'm starting to think Cuba Gooding Jr. is actually retarded.
Netflix streaming now on iPhone. I'll miss you, bathroom reading...
"The Situation" and Bristol Palin both on Dancing with the Stars? Suck it, America haters. This country is AWEsome!
I just brushed my teeth with sunglasses on. Don't think I've ever done that before. I shall write of this in my diary.
"Smurfette? *I* smurfed her! Ohhhh!" -- Andrew Dice Smurf
"Transformer blew? He needed the money....OHHHHhhhhh!" - Optimus Dice Clay
Know how I know you're straight? You like Nickelback. #KnowHowIKnowYoureStraight
Know how I know you're straight? Your jean shorts go down to your knees. To your knees!! #KnowHowIKnowYoureStraight
Know how I know you're straight? Two words: Golf Channel. #KnowHowIKnowYoureStraight
I just ate ice cream sitting in front of a laundromat. Don't think I've done that since I was about 8 years old. #PoorMansTimeTravel
Ever notice Jackson Browne starts playing whenever Jennifer Jason Leigh has sex?
THIS JUST IN: yo mama's so skinny, Bobby Brown slapped her and then said "Oh, sh**, I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else."
I've just thought up a super-villain. He's half pig, half tree, all evil! Can our heroes face the terror of...Porky Pine?!
Good Oprah final season opener: "We're all going to Australia!". Great final season closer?: "We're all going to Hell!" - blows up studio.
One's a tribe of Israel. One's a folk singer. Together - they solve crimes! #SimeonAndGarfunkle
Left a ridiculously big tip for a haircut tonight because I showed up 5 minutes before they closed. I consider that "paying the douche tax".
"Will you repost this? 95% of people won't". Um...you ever consider if 95% won't, maybe they know something you don't?
I've decided that #@$%ing you like a vegetable or a mineral would be more likely to improve my bond w/my creator. #rockretractions
Just call my name. And I'll be somewhere else. #rockretractions
Stacy's mom is old. Ew. #rockretractions
Did you ever know that you're in no way a role model for me? #rockretractions
Now that I think about it, maybe it was the summer of '68. #rockretractions
Girls just prefer to do bland, uninteresting things that they don't find enjoyable. #rockretractions
I was not working as a waitress in a cocktail bar. That much is false. #rockretractions
Billy Jean? Okay, yeah. I actually did hit that. #rockretractions
The time has not yet come, Sister Christian. Please continue holding. Thank you. #rockretractions
After reconsidering, I've decided that rock and rolling all night and partying every day isn't my cup of tea. #rockretractions
You don't have what I need. And you've made it clear that your relationship with him is more than platonic. #rockretractions
Neither your mother nor your father are all right. And neither seems weird at all, actually. #rockretractions
You're not a rich girl. I had no idea your old man had fallen on such hard times. #rockretractions
Contrary to previous claims, I was actually born outside the borders of the United States. #rockretractions
I was mistaken, based on a typo. "Geese" is actually the word. #rockretractions
"Dude, it's not 'Pizza and Understanding'. It's 'Peace, Love and Understanding'. You thought the song was about pizza?" #DialogueIJustMadeUp
I get knocked down. But I get up again. Then I sue the guy who knocked me down, settle out of court, and retire to Fiji.
Now witness the power of this fully armed and operational adult contemporary station!
Do redneck androids dream of sexy electric sheep?
"Greed, for lack of a better word, leads to shitty ill-advised sequels."
I just watched six Vietnamese guys climb out of one BMW. So that's what the circus looks like in Saigon...
Hey, want to hear my impression of me eating at a Vietnamese restaurant? "Viet nom nom nom..." Thank you, Internet, good night!
I smell sex and candy here. #MarcyPlaygroundSongsAboutMichaelJacksonsBedroom #ImSoSorry
I'm off to shave. You can watch live on my web cam for just $1.99 per minute. Platinum members will have stubble mailed to them.
Know when to walk away. Know when to run. If there's no time for either, learn how to fake a seizure. That usually clears the room.
From a neuro-linguistic view, 4g phones are an easier sell than 3g phones because "4g" sounds like "orgy".
Sweet, it's a Cops "Grand Theft Auto" episode! That's almost as good as Shark Week!
The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. But they don't outweigh yo momma. 'Cause yo momma so fat.
I'm envious of guys named Scott, so I'm founding my own country and naming it Mikeland.
Things TV has taught me: 1) All handicapped people work as computer hackers, 2) all gay people work at galleries.
"The cow says, 'AAAAAAAGGGGHHH!!!'". #SeeNSayPetaEdition
When captured by police, Randy Quaid tried to deny his identity by doing a Schwarzenegger voice & saying "My name is not Quaid!"
The Sting In My Pants #moviesinmypants
The Longest Yard In My Pants #moviesinmypants
Raise the Titanic In My Pants #moviesinmypants
Batman Begins In My Pants #moviesinmypants
The Battle of the Bulge In My Pants #moviesinmypants
Clear and Present Danger In My Pants #moviesinmypants
The Firm In My Pants #moviesinmypants
Glory In My Pants #moviesinmypants
Not Without My Daughter In My Pants #moviesinmypants
Gross Anatomy In My Pants #moviesinmypants
Hot Fuzz In My Pants #moviesinmypants
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang In My Pants #moviesinmypants
Lethal Weapon In My Pants #moviesinmypants
The Long Kiss Goodnight In My Pants #moviesinmypants
A Mighty Wind In My Pants #moviesinmypants
Outbreak In My Pants #moviesinmypants
Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot In My Pants #moviesinmypants
Scent of a Woman In My Pants #moviesinmypants
Looking for Mr. Goodbar In My Pants #moviesinmypants
Searching for Bobby Fischer In My Pants #moviesinmypants
That Thing You Do In My Pants #moviesinmypants
Biggs: "Luke, at that speed you're not going to be able to pull out in time." Luke: "That's what SHE said..."
This evening I ate a Lunchables, drank chocolate milk, then took a nap. I'm back in kindergarten.
"The joker is the only foo' who'll do anything for you!" -- Mr. T singing Juice Newton at a karaoke bar.
"Oh, Vladimir Putin THIS somewhere tonight, baby..." #RussianFederationBedroomTalk
3 things better with the volume muted: CMT, Telemundo, the Star Wars prequels.
Best I can figure, George Lucas was molested somewhere between Empire and Jedi. Everything since 1980 has been a cry for help.
70s humor: "Fill it to the rim." "With Brim?" "AAAAAHHHH ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!!"
I'm writing a new romantic comedy called "Sleepless 'N Cialis". Maybe "romantic" is the wrong word...
I just killed a mosquito by swatting it with the book "I Killed". #ironykicksass
Kid at the DMV mimed a gun & pretended to shoot out my tires. So I mimed a guy flipping off a kid at the DMV.
Drinking a Guinness and eating cookies. This is what snacktime is like for schoolchildren in Ireland, btw.
#rememberwhen you made that inevitable life transition from Tonka trucks to jerking off?
If you can read this, thank a teacher. iff u cn reed this thanck teh enturnett.
When I think about you, I sext myself...
There's a homeless guy wandering through my complex with a full garbage bag slung over his shoulder. I've named him Recession Santa.
I am Sarah McLachlan of the Clan McLachlan. I was born in 1518 in the village of Glenfinnan on the shores of Loch Shiel. And I am immortal.
"You down with AT&T? (Yeah you know me!)". #bandsellouts
"Light Beer right now. There is no other beer I want to drink". #bandsellouts
Passing Arco Arena on the way to the airport. It's so empty and quiet. It's like a Kings game is going on.
Just passed a sign for McGeorge law school, wondering if Spanish-speaking law students call it McJorge.
The two old ladies I rode with in the shuttle spent the whole drive talking about casinos. Slots are the new grandkids.
On a Super Shuttle headed home. Does this mean if we see any crime going down on the way we have to stop and fight it? #SaveUsSuperShuttle
The Boy in the Stryper Pajamas #FailedRockBandMovies
Hannah and her Twisted Sisters #FailedRockBandMovies
The Bridges of Megadeth County #FailedRockBandMovies
Faster Pussycat and the Furious #FailedRockBandMovies
Mr. Dio Goes to Washington #FailedRockBandMovies
The Bad English Patient #FailedRockBandMovies
Up in the Aerosmith #FailedRockBandMovies
Night of the Living Ranger #FailedRockBandMovies
Grateful Dead Man Walking #FailedRockBandMovies
Dokken Hollywood #FailedRockBandMovies
The Whitesnake Stuff #FailedRockBandMovies
The Who's Life Is It (Anyway?) #FailedRockBandMovies
Children of a Lesser Godsmack #FailedRockBandMovies
Saving Private Rihanna #FailedRockBandMovies
I just got three stars on every level of Angry Birds! I'm like a f***ing Korean kid on this bitch! Woo!
Do teenage elves go to Rivendell High? #ElrondsPalJughead
"I will tumble for you. I will tumble for you. I will tumble for you, I will tumble for you." #MrDataKaraoke